Aspie-Neuro Relationships and You

This is a piece I've prepared for an acquaintance's journal; figured I'd post it on here to get additional feedback. Thanks.

There’s a moment in the 2009 film “Adam” where the title character (Hugh Dancy), a young man with Asperger’s syndrome, tells his new girlfriend (Rose Byrne) that he can tell that she’s sad but he’s not sure how to respond. “Could you give me a hug?” she asks. “Yes,” he replies. The two stare at each other for a bit, and then Byrne rephrases it “Adam, I would like it if you gave me a hug”.

That scene, fictional though it is, gives, I think, a pretty clear picture of both the struggles and triumphs that can come from being in a relationship and on the autism spectrum. 

In mid-September, I married Raychel, my girlfriend of nearly five years. There’s a lot to like about Raychel: she’s brilliant, sweet and, on issues she feels strongly about, has a temper that isn’t doing cultural perceptions of redheads any favors.  Raychel knew I had Asperger’s syndrome from the beginning of the relationship, but knowing about something and experiencing it can be two very different things; over the course of the relationship, Raychel and I have encountered a lot of problems typical of relationships, both romantic and otherwise, involving a neurotypical and a person on the autism spectrum, and our strategies for dealing with them have been a major part of strengthening our relationship.

            For those who aren’t aware, Asperger’s has several symptoms that can create difficulties in a relationship. One that comes up in most descriptions of the condition is lack of empathy, which obviously can be a big drawback in a relationship, especially in combination with my difficulties with non-verbal communication. While being with me has meant Raychel has had to work on her skills in making sure she clearly articulates what she needs, it’s also forced me to work on my understanding of non-literal, non-verbal interaction (the example I always use is the fact that I just recently realized “bless your heart” is an insult).

            Another Asperger’s symptom Raychel and I have had to work through is my difficulty with changes in routine; when we first started dating, I’d always arrange for us to hang out in the early afternoon, so I could be back to my dorm room in time to watch whatever DVD I’d gotten from the library, or as I referred to it (this is true), “alone time”. Now, there’s nothing WRONG with being set in your ways if they don’t hurt anybody, but anyone who’s been in an adult relationship knows that you should expect to make changes within reason for another human being. That necessity has led me to overcome a lot of the weird little things my Asperger’s makes me take issue with, such as  hugging, making eye contact or just putting down the computer for a second to talk to somebody.

As I write this, Raychel has just taken a job in Greenpeace’s Washington, D.C. office, which will keep us apart for a full month; having had her in my life pretty much uninterrupted for the last few years, I know the separation period is going to be tough, especially given the issues I’ve had with both separation and changes in routine, but at the risk of sounding cheesy, the woman I have to be separated from is a big part of why I know we’ll be okay.