This is a piece I've prepared for an acquaintance's journal; figured I'd post it on here to get additional feedback. Thanks.
There’s a moment in the 2009 film “Adam” where the
title character (Hugh Dancy), a young man with Asperger’s syndrome, tells his
new girlfriend (Rose Byrne) that he can tell that she’s sad but he’s not sure
how to respond. “Could you give me a hug?” she asks. “Yes,” he replies. The two
stare at each other for a bit, and then Byrne rephrases it “Adam, I would like
it if you gave me a hug”.
That scene, fictional though it is, gives, I think,
a pretty clear picture of both the struggles and triumphs that can come from
being in a relationship and on the autism spectrum.
In mid-September, I married
Raychel, my girlfriend of nearly five years. There’s a lot to like about
Raychel: she’s brilliant, sweet and, on issues she feels strongly about, has a
temper that isn’t doing cultural perceptions of redheads any favors. Raychel knew I had Asperger’s syndrome from
the beginning of the relationship, but knowing about something and experiencing
it can be two very different things; over the course of the relationship,
Raychel and I have encountered a lot of problems typical of relationships, both
romantic and otherwise, involving a neurotypical and a person on the autism
spectrum, and our strategies for dealing with them have been a major part of
strengthening our relationship.
For
those who aren’t aware, Asperger’s has several symptoms that can create
difficulties in a relationship. One that comes up in most descriptions of the
condition is lack of empathy, which obviously can be a big drawback in a
relationship, especially in combination with my difficulties with non-verbal
communication. While being with me has meant Raychel has had to work on her
skills in making sure she clearly articulates what she needs, it’s also forced
me to work on my understanding of non-literal, non-verbal interaction (the
example I always use is the fact that I just recently realized “bless your
heart” is an insult).
Another
Asperger’s symptom Raychel and I have had to work through is my difficulty with
changes in routine; when we first started dating, I’d always arrange for us to
hang out in the early afternoon, so I could be back to my dorm room in time to
watch whatever DVD I’d gotten from the library, or as I referred to it (this is
true), “alone time”. Now, there’s nothing WRONG with being set in your ways if
they don’t hurt anybody, but anyone who’s been in an adult relationship knows
that you should expect to make changes within reason for another human being.
That necessity has led me to overcome a lot of the weird little things my
Asperger’s makes me take issue with, such as hugging, making eye contact or just putting
down the computer for a second to talk to somebody.
As I write this,
Raychel has just taken a job in Greenpeace’s Washington, D.C. office, which
will keep us apart for a full month; having had her in my life pretty much
uninterrupted for the last few years, I know the separation period is going to
be tough, especially given the issues I’ve had with both separation and changes
in routine, but at the risk of sounding cheesy, the woman I have to be
separated from is a big part of why I know we’ll be okay.
